The Buzz

This writing thing is really working for me right now. I feel like this is becoming my new release and love I have found something new. I love finding out new things that work for me. As I have written before things that have worked in the past no longer work. The past few days I have felt a new energy and really felt a new energy to myself. Tonight, I watched a newly released movie with a good friend and his new lady friend. I got to play like a little kid, and made her laugh and say I act like a little kid. I pretty much am a ten year old stuck in a thirty year old body. This is what keeps me young. It has been a good week for me mentally (personally) even though mentally it has been taxing. Lets see how the rest of the week goes!?!?!?! Thursday brings a great musical event for me (OAR, Eric Hutchinson, and Missy Higgins), and some more hockey (with another good break). Maybe some time for extracurricular activities?

What's Missing...

There is a huge void in my life right now. This void is being able to share my experiences, memories, and love with. I'm 30, divorced, and at a crossroads with my life. Why drag someone else into all of this crap? I think the main reason that I haven't and don't pursue anyone is the fact that I feel that I must build myself back up before I can commit myself to anyone at this time. If I didn't do this for them then I wouldn't be able to give all of myself to them.

I think that I am a good catch for someone [not to float my own boat :) ]. Like I have told friends I am confident in what I have to offer. I like to cook, own my own house - truck - motorcycle, am educated, still have all my hair :) , have a garden, love kids, and WANT to be a family man.

I have no "game" when it comes to the ladies. A friend of mine laughs when I tell him this because he says that is my niche. I've never been the pursuer, every REALLY dated (gone through the usual rituals that is), and don't know how to be that guy.

All of this will happen I guess when it is supposed to happen. I already feel much freer from writing and hope this continues to by my outlet and give me the confidence to become myself again!

His Dream

The reason that I first wanted to write a memoir of our family comes from what it meant to my Grandpa. I am his namesake, and feel it is my duty to carry on his torch. I was lucky enough to grow up on 40 acres of land in Southern Minnesota situated on the Minnesota River. Summers were spent building forts, running through the fields, collecting fireflies, and of course fishing and playing in the river bottoms. My grandpa had a dream that was his pond. It may not look like much to the naked eye, but if you spent any time with him at his pond you truely knew he was happiest there.

Summer visits to my grandparents always involved some work at the pond. Filling in the mosquito pit, planting new trees, or trimming paths to and from the pond always needed tending. My grandpa also had a prized Blueberry patch that he surrounded with ten foot high fencing and barbed wire to keep animals and the neighborhood brats out of his patch. He also always had a huge organic garden with several different species of Apples, Pears, and other fruit to go along with the Blueberry patch. As you can see my grandparents lived a rather simple life. The love that they shared along with the way they lived showed to me there are more important things to life than money. My grandpa's release came from the land and it has now become mine as I write about our experiences. Please take the time to reflect and look deeper into the pictures and create your own memories of what might have been. Enjoy!









The pictures don't do it justice... just help create vivid memories for me to enjoy.

What I Am

I'm a son.
I'm a brother.
I'm in a sense a father.
I'm a friend.
I'm a coach.
I'm a cowboy.
I'm a cook.
I'm a leader.

I'm frustrated.
I'm confused.
I'm depressed.
I'm lost.

At this time in my life I am a lot of things. After making a list of what I am I also want to figure out what I want to be.

I want to be:
Happy.
A family man.
Successful.
Driven.
Given a purpose.

I now have to figure out what I need to do to not only become all of these things, but also continue to build what I already am. I'm blessed to have a great support group of friends and family to surround me. With busy schedule, distance between us, and the cost of gas (finally coming back down) I don't get to see those that mean so much to me. In the future I plan to try and reach out for more help from everyone! After just reading an email, getting a phone call, or even a post on a website makes my day. I guess the little things in life mean more to me than anything.

To new beginings...

So tonight on my drive home I realize why I have been in such a funk. I'm not happy with me! Tonight I was surrounded with great friends all of which I have so many memories to fill pages of blog up, yet something wasn't right. I am chasing something that I can not catch right now.

Several people asked if I was alright and yet others told me I needed to open up and relax. What is so wrong... I had to ponder this, and nothing clears your head more than a few block walk to the truck on a frigged night like tonight.

I reflected on the past ten years or so of my life. It all seems like a blur, but came to me so clearly. I'm not sure where to start; so buckle up, sit down, and get ready. Here it comes...

Just kidding! This probably will be much longer than the rest of the posts, but you will learn why later on. I should start out with where I got the idea for starting this blog. I have figured out that all of the outlets that I have used in the past are not working for me right now. In the past I have dove into work (I hate my job right now), had a great release through coaching hockey (I am feeling it being more of a drain at 4-5 nights a week), or something else like working on my house. The release comes from accomplishment after placing all of my time and energy into whatever it is I choose. Sadly, alcohol and tobacco have been things to tide me over in my time of need. Luckily though I have been able to curb the urge to go overboard on these dreadful things.

In high school I had a magnificent English instructor that challenged me to become a scholar in her words. I never thought that a teacher could reach me the way that she did. This probably comes from the fact that my dad is a teacher. Because of her I even started what I thought would be the Lovich family memoirs of memories surrounding my family and my grandparents land. I titled this work, "The Pond". The work so far I around thirty pages of not much, but for me was a lot. I haven't worked on it for several years, but may start again.

I have a wonderful friend Molly who blogs religiously. She is finishing up her work towards a Master's degree in English (sorry if this isn't even close Molly!). While spending time with her and her husband (who happens to be one of my best friends - hence how I met Molly) she is always critiquing us on our grammar, and I apologize if this doesn't meet your standard. Molly, you give me added strength to do this!

So back to why I am doing this whole blog thing. I am looking for a new outlet that will allow me to get back to myself! I want to do this by reflecting over the past ten years or so. Call this my "Jerry Maguire" moment. Especially since it was 1:33 am when I started this whole process.

A little about me currently will add light to the subject. I am 30, single via divorce, own my own house, have great friends and family, and a very loving dog Dallas. How did all of this come about? Well time to jump on the Lovich bandwagon.

After graduating college I found myself in a pretty dismal job market (sound familiar?). Luckily I got a job with the railroad to pay the bills for a while. I say for a while because my second day on the job was September 11, 2001. My training group and I sat in front of the television monitors and watch the second plane hit the towers in New York. I knew that my life was forever changed, but also knew that my time at the job would be short lived.

After getting laid off that winter I took my GRE exam to apply for graduate schools. I decided that my Finance degree wasn't going to get used (at least not at this point in my life). My calling was to become a collegiate hockey coach. I was accepted into a great program, but it involved me moving across the country to Colorado. The first time that I stepped out of the truck it just felt right. Everything from the weather, the people, to the program made me feel alive. My fiance even made the cross-country trip with me. Nothing could be better!

I quickly discovered that it isn't what you know or how good you are, but who you know after graduating and trying to break through in collegiate coaching. My now wife at the time, and I decided to move back to Minnesota with that being the best thing for BOTH of us. Not so much... It took me several months to even get a part-time job. The whole time we were living with her parents... this I believe was the demise of our marriage later on.

Throughout high school and college I taught swim lessons to help pay the bills. I applied to an opening for a part-time swim instructor after spending several months doing interviews for full-time employment. The job wasn't what I wanted to do, but we were living with my inlaws. I quickly was put on the fast track to management and even promoted to open my own site within the matter of a year of employment. I have been with the company now for almost 4 years, but leaning now to a change (more reasoning to come later).

During this time my wife and I bought a townhouse and finally moved out of the "rents" house. However, it was only a few miles down the road... It again wasn't what I wanted, but what she wanted. Our relationship at this time is very rocky. I feel there was a lot of anamosity between the two of us. She felt she was just used as a financial backer while I was in Graduate school, and I was dealing with a bout of depression. Going several months without finding work and living with your inlaws will do wicked things to the mind! My wife was hired to a competiting company of mine, and things went aray from here. I don't know what exactly happened, but she just stopped coming home. She got the townhouse, but I got what I wanted. Dallas. Our black lab dog who has been through so much shit with me that I don't know what I would do without her.

So I am now opening a brand new site, buying a reposesed house, and coaching hockey. Remember what I talked about earlier about releases? Yeah... I lived on only sparse hours of sleep here and there. No lie... I LIVED on 3-4 hours of sleep for days at a time. I loved it all though. I had a new start!

Shortly after seperating from my wife (divorce was being settled by the judge) I was on top of the world. The site was taking off, the house was really coming around with the help of my brother, and the team I was coaching was unstopable. Life couldn't get much better and then it did. I started to date a work colleague. She was fabulous and exactly what I needed at the time. Young, beautiful, and opionionated as hell. The ying to my yang had been found at that time in my life.

Things were great for almost two years. Work was still great, hockey was a great release, the house was almost finished on the top two floors, and had someone that I really cared for. Then the bottom starts to fall out of everything...

Like I said before it has been almost two years of me dating this fabulous person. I am 29 and starting to wonder if I am going to ask her hand in marriage. This isn't my first rodeo remember, so I am looking way too deep into things. The relationship crumbles because of my medeling... I loved her, but wasn't in love with her. For those of you who don't know what I am trying to explain I hope you FEEL it some day. Then you will know what I am trying to say. I ended the relationship...

Work is now crumbling around me. I am being told that I am being forced to transfer to a location 35 miles away. The commute alone is 45 minutes WITHOUT traffic or weather. I now hate my job and pondering were my path now leads.

All of this and my only realse now is alcohol. It is summer and my release should be riding my motorcycle, but it has become a nessecity instead. A nessecity in the fact that I force myself to ride it to and from work to save money because of my work commute. I hate my life... Several nights I find myself sitting by a fire in the backyard drinking by myself. The only one that is around is Dallas. I love that dog!

Financially, I am forced to get a roommate. A former employee at the site that I started moves in that summer. He is a good friend, but I feel like more of a father figure to him than a friend. It is good for me and Dallas both to have someone around the house. I do wish though that I could have done it on my own. He helps keep me younger.

So I then turn 30. I wasn't afraid of it, but wasn't ready for it. Reading too much into being single, 30, and not liking my job sends my world into even more of a tailspin. I am confused of who I am and in what direction I am going. And this has brought us full circle in my story to start.

I feel good after writing all of this tonight (I should mean morning). Hopefully I have found a new outlet. Again, I apologize for the length of my first attempt at this. Here is to new beginings...